(13) Notre Dame at (22) Purdue

Kyle says:

First of all, I would like to bring up Charlie Weis. He was involved in one of the classiest and most touching stories not only in intercollegiate athletics, but in all of sports. Read this story. http://archives.seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/texis.cgi/web/vortex/display?slug=uwfb26&date=20050926

Purdue is coming off a heartbreaker. Notre Dame is coming off an emotional win against their old coach. The game is in West Lafayette, so I guess I give Purdue the advantage. I’m still not sold on ND being that great. Look for Brandon Kirsch to have a good game like Stanton did.

Olde Golde and Black - 28
Noder Dame - 23

Brett says:

Damn it, I have to pick Notre Dame games so often, why won't they just join the damn conference. Oh wait, they're pussies. I know, I know. They play a sort of hard schedule every year, but can you just imagine the ass whoopings they would receieve playing the top teams in the conference every year? You know there would be no mercy in Columbus. I guess Purdue just got some big statue of a Boilermaker to put outside their stadium. A lot of teams have done this actually, you can bet your ass you'll never see one of Herkey outside of Kinnick, maybe only if it was one of him bending over getting ready to take it in the ass. No, I don't have anything against him or anything (lol.) Anyways, back to the game. ND won the Willingham Bowl. Well, because Washington might get beat by Massillon Washington right now. Purdue's defense didn't have much luck stopping the Minnesota offense last week but this game's in West Lafayette and Tiller's hungry for a win, or maybe it was just hungry. So is Weis. I haven't gotten a Notre Dame game right all year, hopefully I get this one right with the Irish loss.

Perdew - 23
Chris Wilkinson for Heisman - 17

Corey says:

This also should be a pretty good game. It's often known as the "Battle of who is the second best team in Indiana" (Behind the Hoosiers, of course.) I think that Notre Dame is a better team than Purdue, but I'm actually gonna pick the Boilermakers to come back after the tough loss last week to Minnesota.

Purdue - 24
ND - 20

(18)Minnesota at Penn State

Kyle says:

I would like to thank Minnesota for beating Purdue. Thank God all that nonsense about them going undefeated is over. Now to the game. This is going to be a great game. It is the first big game in Beaver Stadium for a long, long time. Look for the crowd to play a major factor. Look for the calendar to play a role, too. It is October and as we all know it is time for the annual/traditional Minnesota collapse. I really can’t wait to witness it. Every year it gets the ol’ blood flowin’.I don’t know if Joe Pa’s decrepit ass will be able to handle Penn State being 5-0. Whatever blood he has left in his veins will be churning. Laurence Maroney is not shit. I don’t care about his stats. Just wait ‘till this weekend and when he plays Ohio State. He will not do Jack fucking Shit.

tPSU - 24
3-5 in the Big Ten - 17

Brett says:

It's sad one of these teams is actually going to be 5-0. One of these teams will have the hope that they actually might win the Big Ten. Not happening. Minnesota will go to another shitty bowl and Joe Pa will shrink another inch. I don't think the Gophers have enough to win in this road test, the Pussies will have a plan to break Maroney's skull, that is until A.J. Hawk completely decapitates him in a few weeks. This sets up the showdown in Happy Valley with the Bucks. Joe Pa already can't wait to get off his 132 year old bus that night for the game. I hear those things had horses pulling them up until the mid 90's, when people finally convinced Joe Pa to end his fued with Henry Ford.

Horse Buggys Forever - 27
18 in the rankings? Time to choke - 24

Corey says:

I'm really looking forward to this game. I think this will be a real indicator of whether or not Minnesota will pull their traditional shit. Personally, I think they are better than the last few years. Not saying that they will contend for the Big Ten or anything, but I think they will give the top teams some good games this year. I'm gonna pick Minnesota to get their hopes up a little more and advance to 2-0 in the conference.

Minnesota - 31
PSU - 24

Illinois at Iowa

Kyle says:

Iowa and Drew Tate are lucky that the Illini are coming to town this week. After last week’s ass kicking, they probably wish they didn’t play at all. Well, that is pretty much what are you going to get. Illinois is a fucking joke. Hopefully Drew got breast fed this week. If he didn’t you might see some more temper tantrums from his pussy ass. Seriously, what a little bitch. I was unaware that Simon Birch played college football. Fuck analyzing this game. Iowa in a rout.

Cockeyes - 37
Chief - 17

Brett says:

Two teams that received the beating of their lives last Saturday. In Champaign, the Spartans snorted coke right off the Chief. In Columbus, Drew Tate was too busy being a whiny bitch rather than actually leading his team, and Herkey was too busy just being a bitch. Iowa didn't impress me at all, but they're playing Illinois this week. They suck. If Iowa somehow loses this game, look for Tate to finish his transition to being completely insane and going on a killing spree in Iowa City.

Drew Spiker - 43
Daaaa Illini - 24

Corey says:

For now on, to save my time, I am just going to predict the same thing for Illinois every week.

Opponent - 50
Illinois - 10

Indiana at (17) Wisconsin

Kyle says:

Indiana game. You know what that means...BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK! IU is 3-0 and guess what, they’ll be 3-8 at the end of the year. They could beat Illinois, but I highly doubt it. The Badgers are going to be sky high, but the game is in Madison and I don’t see them having a let down against IU’s sorry ass. I still can’t believe Indiana and Vanderbilt are undefeated on Oct.1. If IU is undefeated after Oct. 1 then it is a sign of bad things to come for the world. We already had Katrina, so that must mean that San Francisco is going to have the “big one.” Hell will definitely freeze over. There is no doubt about it.

On Wisconsin - 38
This Is Absolute Fucking Bullshit - 12

Brett says:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. A game I know for sure that Indiana is going get to beat like the bitches they are. Of course with that this is the B-B-B-B-B-B-ITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK. A few years back Indiana came into Madison and bitch slapped them real bad. Don't worry, that won't be happening this week. Even with the Hoosiers coming in 3-0, I'm sure there's about as much excitement for this team on campus as their would be if the National Quilting Championship came to town. If IU somehow wins this game,
stock up your bottled water and canned goods, because armageddon is surely coming.

Don't worry we'll still choke - 48
3-8 - 13

Corey says:

Does that say Illinois? Nope. Yeah, Wisconsin wins big time in this one. A high scoring offense (even though they haven't scored a lot the last 2 days) and an Indiana-style defense is not a good match.

Wisconsin - 42
Indiana - 20

Michigan at (11)Michigan State

Kyle says:

Drew Stanton is a wrecking ball. The guy has an amazing game every time he suits up. If they beat Michigan this week, the Heisman will become a legitimate possibility. Michigan is coming off a heart breaking loss to Wisconsin. Good. Fuck Michigan. They are now unranked for the first time since 1998. Chad Henne is showing how he good he is without Braylon Edwards. I tried to tell people that Henne was as good as my left nut. It is nice to see Michigan having a QB controversy. We all know how that is. It fucking blows. Mike Hart is supposed to play this week. It’s about time you fucking pussy. I noticed that he was running up and down the sidelines yelling at his teammates Saturday night. You know, if you can run then why the fuck weren’t you in the game. Maybe because you aren’t that good, either. Yep, I think that is it. East Lansing is going to be very raucous. I would love to see Sparty pound Michigan like Tommy Lee does to Pam. That probably won’t happen. This is a rivalry and Michigan will be ready.

Sparty - 27
Hail!, Hail! - 21

Brett says:

How nice does it look with no ranking in front of those assholes? They're now on the same level as Arkansas State, San Jose State, and Ball State: unranked. It doesn't get that much easier this week as they have to go to Spartyville, where the heroin is good and crack is plentiful. MSU beat the living shit out of the Illini last week and continued to show off their vaunted offense (That is until October 15). The assholes are in serious trouble in my opinion. The defense still sucks and Henne is finally showing his true colors of sucking ass. This game could be a blowout but this game
usually never is. With how MSU timekeeping is don't be surprised that if the Spartans are losing after regulation that they just add a 5th quarter. I know I wouldn't blink an eye.

Don't Give a Damn State - 37
Don't Give a Damn - 27

Corey says:

I still don't think that Michigan is a bad team, and I think they will come out of East Lansing with a big victory over rival Michigan State. Nothing against MSU, I think they are a real good team, too. I just think that Michigan has too much offensive talent to drop to 2-3.

Michigan - 42
MSU - 30

A Message From Kyle

Conference play is under way. Damn, that is a nice rhyme. Anyways, I went undefeated last week in my picks, so feel free to bow down. There really aren't any great games this week. Penn State-Minnesota and Michigan State-Michigan high light the weekend. Make sure you keep your eyes on East Lansing. I think there is a classic brewing. Ohio State is off.

Standings

Brett 20-7
Corey 19-8
Kyle 19-8

(17)Michigan State at Illinois

Kyle says:

Ron Zook, welcome to the Big Ten. You will be introduced with the BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK! This isn’t really going to be a huge blowout, but it will be the biggest of the week. This is a trap game for Michigan State. They are coming off a huge win with their dramatic OT contest against Notre Dame, and next week Michigan goes to East Lansing. The Spartans better be ready for this one. A road game and the first conference game of the season. It sounds weird since this is the Bitch Slap of the Week, but MSU could lose this game. First and foremost, I would like to thank Michigan State for beating Notre Dame and ripping all the sports writers across America heart’s out. Now, come to Columbus undefeated so we can beat your ass. Illinois surprised me last week hanging in against Cal. Granted, Cal’s QB and RB were out of the game. Sucks to be them. Anyways, Teague will have a million yards against Illinois. They gave up 27 to Rutgers, so I am assuming their defense sucks.

Sparty - 42
Ill, as in sick - 20

Brett says:

Although this won't really be a blowout, it's the B-B-B-B-B-ITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK. Michigan State did the country a favor and brought the Irish back down to earth last week. Now we don't have to hear about them until their next "huge victory." The Illini didn't play to bad out in Hippieville but showed their true colors in the second half. I wouldn't really expect this to be a blowout but Sparty has a great offense this year and the Illini defense is well the Illini defense.

Our logo was defecated on by the Fab Five - 43
Can Dee Brown play football? - 23

Corey says:

Illinois looked decent for a good part of the game last weekend (jerking off motion.) Michigan State is coming off a huge win at Notre Dame. I think MSU has a chance to have a good year and stir things up in the Big Ten this year. I don't think they are good enough to compete for a title, but they can win some big games.... and of course beat Illinois.

MSU - 45
Illinois - 14

(14)Michigan at Wisconsin


Kyle says:

It isn’t a night game, but it is late in the day (5 P.M.), so you know Madison is going to be rockin’. Plus, Miiiichigan strolls into town. Wisconsin has not won at home against Michigan since 1999. Look for that to change this week. I don’t know the exact status of Mike Hart, but I don’t think he will be 100 percent. I also think Chad Henne is a piece of shit. I don’t care about last week’s massacre of Eastern Michigan. River Valley could beat them, for Christ’s sake. I can’t wait to see the Wisconsin students and see how they welcome the Wolverweasels. You know damn well they’ll throw shit at them. That’s what they always do to opposing teams. Maybe throw some tampons at them because Michigan is a bunch of fucking pussies. Back to the game. Brian Calhoun will have a good game. Not great, but good. I think he will be a Heisman favorite following the week. Hard to fucking believe. He’ll eventually come back to Earth, though. He transferred for a reason. That reason is because he didn’t get playing time. That also happened for a reason and we’ll see why.

Badgers - 27
Meat Chicken - 23

Brett says:

Verrry interesting game. Wisconsin went into Chapel Hill and came away with the victory but this game will really prove what kind of team they are. Michigan finally got ahold of some penicilin this last week and layed it on the EMUs. I heard they were kicking the EMUs out of the county for that ass kicking. For UW, Calhoun has been on an absoulte tear, very similar to Ron Dayne other than he doesn't make 6 trips to Dunkin Donuts everyday. I think the Badgers come away with the victory here, Michigan might have to forfeit due to not having enough players as the Madison fans just skip the marshmallows with coins in them and just start chuckin pillowcases full of bricks at the players.


Madison Cheeseheads - 31
Hooray STD Medicine! - 28

Corey says:

Michigan really laid the pipe last weekend, but Wisconsin is a little better than EMU. I think they may have gotten things straightened out, though. I think this will be a shoot-out, even though michigan blanked EMU last week, and Wisconsin has given up 5 points in the last two weeks. I think that Wisconsin will have to score a lot of points to play with Michigan, even though that's probably not the kind of game they want to get in.

Michigan - 42
Wisconsin - 34

(21)Iowa at (8)Ohio State


Kyle says:

High noon in the old Horseshoe. Revenge is going to be on the minds of the Ohio State Buckeyes, I can assure you that. Last year Ohio State was decimated in Iowa City 33-7. This was supposed to be a battle of two unbeatens, but it still has lot of hype surrounding it. It is a must win for both teams, especially the Bucks because they have national title hopes. Getting off to an 0-1 start would be disastrous. Iowa hasn’t exactly played the best teams in the country, so I really don’t know how to gage them. I think they are a good team, but overrated. Plus, the game is at Ohio State. The Bucks defense was unflappable last week, other than the first play of the game. Look for Drew Tate to become Aaron James Hawk’s bitch this week. I would also love to see a repeat of the 1999 contest, in which an OSUMB member hit Herkey Hawkeye with the “Beat Blue” banana. Herkey was hurt and filed a lawsuit that was later dropped. What a fucking pussy! If I got hit in the head with a banana I don’t think I’d be carted off and taken to the hospital. I also don’t think I’d file a lawsuit. I lost a lot of respect for Iowa that day.

Ohio State - 22
Herkey - 15

Brett says:

A game that looked to be one of the biggest of the year is now one where the two teams are trying to just get back to solid ground. The Hawkeyes have yet to prove themselves over a team that plays actual D1 football (Ball State doesn't count they should be NAIA), so they find themselves with a very tough test in coming to the Shoe. Other than the first play last week, the Buckeyes held San Diego State to under 100 yards of offense, something that's hard to do even in a video game. Hopefully another woman band member will hit Herkey's weak ass with the Beat Blue banana again, always good entertainment. Honestly, how can you maintain your dignity after something like that. "Ah man what happened to your head?" "A woman hit me with a large foam banana." O yeah, Bucks come away with the victory.

Sloopy - 23
Grow some Herkey - 13

Corey says:

Another huge game at the horseshoe. Ohio State really needs to figure their offense and how to utilize Ginn a lot more. If they find ways to get him the ball, I really don't think this will be a good game. However, if Ohio State plays conservatively in this game, Iowa has a good chance to get a lot of confidence for their solid D, which is just what they need. I think that the bucks will figure it out though and win the game. Iuck Fowa. Also, OSU's D is beast.

OSU - 35
Iowa - 17

(11)Purdue at Minnesota

Kyle says:

This may shock some people out there, since I am such a Minnesota hater. But, I actually think they will win this week. The Boilers head into the piece of shit Metrodome this week undefeated and ranked 11th in the nation. Woopy fucking shit. They aren’t any good. I am getting sick of people talking about them running the table in the Big Ten, too. They will lose 2 games at the least, and it is going to start this Saturday in the Twin Cities. Goldie and the rest of the gang are somehow really good in that fucking dome. Look for Maroney to have a big game, yet again. Joe Tiller’s hick ass will also get out coached. I don’t really know if that is possible when you go up against Glen Mason, but it will happen. Personally, I think Joe Tiller is shit as well. I know he turned Purdue around, but he just doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe because he’s the ugliest person in the world, maybe not. You be the judge. Nonetheless, the Gophers win and all the chatter about Purdue and the Rose Bowl stops.

Jesse Ventura was elected governor of state, that’s how stupid we are - 31
We have a huge ass drum - 27

Brett says:

Should be a very good game, Purdue won a nail biter in Tucson while Minnesota beat the shit out of WhoCares University yet again. Kyle talks about Kirsch still playing for Purdue, I didn't know until last week these guys still have Jerrod Void too. Damn did the NCAA decide that Purdue gets to play all their alumni this year? I heard Alstott and Griese are suiting up next week. As for Minnesota, I would expect this to be the game Maroney finally comes down to earth and realizes that he's the running back for Minnesota but because the game is in the homer dome he will probably have another huge game. Won't be enough to beat Purdue though, they have guys with Super Bowl rings on their team.

Purdue - 34
Minnesota - 30

Corey says:

3.....2......1... here goes Minnesota's season. Wasn't the non-conference fun though, Gophers? You guys are so good at that! They get to start their downfall against Purdue. Minnesota has looked good, but history proves that they won't win this game, or any other big conference game for that matter.

Purdue - 25
Minnesota - 20

Penn State at Northwestern

Kyle says:

The battle of the Big Ten “pussies.” Penn State is 3-0 for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Nice to see the Nitts playing some good football. Unfortunately, I don’t think the State College Nursing Home is going to let Joe Pa attend this week’s game. You see, they don’t let their patients go out of state, and the Nittany Lions are heading to Evanston for this battle. Northwestern, on the other hand, is 2-1. They got their ass’ beat in the hot Arizona sun last week. I imagine there will be more to come this week and every other week until they play IU. Look for Penn State to roll onto victory this week. And look for Joe Pa to roll out on the field in a wheel chair next week.

The Pennsylvania State University - 34
Purple is for fucking faggots - 13

Brett says:

There will be a whole bunch of pussies this Saturday in Evanston. It's looking like Penn State has a great chance to be undefeated going into their matchup with the Buckeyes in two weeks. Joe Pa must be restless every night at his 3 o'clock dinner at the Golden Corral. Hell, he probably can't even get to sleep until 8 o'clock he's getting so excited. As for Northwestern, they finally got a dose of the whoop ass they'll be receiving most of the year in the Big Ten. This game will be closer than you think, but Joe Pa leads the Lions to another win on their journey, just like that journey Joe Pa took to the Oregon Territory back in the 1800's. You think Joe get mad at refs now, you should have seen him when his damn oxen died when he tried to
ford the river.

Lion Pussy - 28
Wildcat Pussy - 23

Corey says:

Old Man Time takes his team to Northwestern to start off the Big Ten season. I think this should be a pretty good game. I actually like Northwestern in the match up. Northwestern's running game might be pretty good, with Sutton putting up some good numbers early in the season. They always have that gay ass offense that annoys the hell out of teams, too. I'm still not sold on Penn State turning their program back around, and this game will be a sign that they are still in the lower tier of the conference.

NW - 34
PSU - 30

A Message from Kyle

Well, the Big Ten season gets under way this week with some marquee match-ups. Iowa comes into the Columbus to do battle on the banks of the Olentangy and Miiiichigan heads north to Madison. Kickoff is set for high noon in Columbus and 5 P.M. in Madison. Indiana will stay undefeated for another week because they have the bye. Unfuckingbelievble. Anyways, I am getting my ass kicked, so I need to rally the troops this week.

Standings

Corey 17-5
Brett 16-6
Kyle 14-8

Corey's Picks

Corey was in the process of making all of his picks when his computer shut down. Gotta love technology. Anyways, since he is the laziest piece of shit in the world he didn't want to type them again. That is why he only provided scores this week.

(12) Purdue at Arizona

Kyle says:

Arizona is not that bad this year. This definitely has the makings of a good game, and I think it will be. Don’t know the last time Purdue played a road game outside the state of Indiana, but it seems like it has been forever. Brandon Kirsch’s grandpa ass will have to play well for the Boilers to win this game. Seriously, I think Kirsch was on the 1968 team that lost to Ohio State.

My Brother Coach’s A Shitty Oklahoma Team - 27
Perdooh - 24

Brett says:

Besides UW-UNC, probably the best game on the slate this weekend. Huge game for Purdue, with them not facing Michigan or Ohio State, an undefeated out of conference record going into conference play could be very big for them. As for Arizona, they've been about as good as Alaska Tech the last few years, but have shown good signs since Brother Stoops came in. 34 year old Brandon Kirsch should be ready for this game though, he's seen about everything since being in West Lafayette since Clinton was in office. He takes down the cats.

Big Ass Drum - 28
Lute Olsen and Joe Pa went to grade school together - 24

Corey says:

Purdue - 24
Arizona - 10

Northwestern at (18) Arizona State

Kyle says:

Northwestern is also undefeated. Amazing. Thank God, it will end this week when they get their ass’ handed to them by ASU. The Sun Devils lost a heartbreaker last week to LSU. That wont be the story this week. ASU QB Sam Keller will have a huge game. I don’t know much about Northwestern’s defense but Northern Illinois scored 37 against them. That tells me that Arizona State will score a lot. Let’s hope so because I fucking despise Northwestern’s gay ass.

Satan - 45
Purple Pussies - 14

Brett says:

Meh, I don't know, look at my Cal-Illinios prediction, pretty much the same as this. Northwestern better enjoy it in Tempe, they won't ever be returning there again for a bowl or anything.

Sun Satans - 33
Please change our colors - 16

Corey says:

Arizona State - 27
Northwestern - 13

Florida Atlantic at Minnesota

Kyle says:

Uhh Ohh!!! BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK!!! Now, it looks like the Golden Gophers are back to their usual bullshit. Let’s schedule fucking Florida Atlantic. Congratulations Minnesota, you are going to start out 6-0 again and then blow it against Michigan and end up winning 8 fucking games. I still think Laurence Maroney is overrated. I don’t care what stats he put up. One of the games was against Aslut. That is Tulsa spelled backwards for the dumbasses out there. Anyways, why don’t you schedule Massillon, Gophers

Minniesoda - 56
FAU - 17

Brett says:

B-B-B-B-B-BIOTCH SLAP OF THE WEEK. Ahhh this what Glen likes to see, back to normal. Minnesota-Duluth wasn't avaiable this week so I guess Florida Atlantic was the best the Gophers could do. The gophers actually didn't look bad last week, beating the bejesus out of CSU. Maroney will get a reality check once the Big Ten starts, especially when OSU comes to town and AJ Hawk rips his heart out and it shows it to him before he dies.

Our dome sucks - 53
Hooters - 13

Corey says:

Minnesota - 55
Florida Atlantic - 3

Wisconsin at North Carolina

Kyle says:

This one is going to be good. I’ll definitely be tuning in. UNC is not a bad team. If they can contain Brian Calhoun, who runs like OJ.Simpson after slitting someone’s throat, they will win. Look for them to do that. Barry Alvarez’ Spaniard ass is going to hit reality after this one. That is that the Badgers are not that good this year.

YouInSee - 24
Jack and Coke - 20

Brett says:

A very intriguing game. Wisconsin has looked very dominant the last two weeks although they were both home games and one of them was against a team Indiana would even beat. UNC played the bees tough last week and just barely lost. I don't know tough one to pick, I hate UNC so they lose I guess.

Alvarez's Conquistadors - 33
Go to Hell Carolina Go to Hell - 27

Corey says:

Wisconsin - 38
North Carolina - 17

Kentucky at Indiana

Kyle says:

The IU game will be my favorite pick every week. They are so fucking bad it is uncomprehendible. They scored with 57 seconds last week to beat Nicholls State. Unreal. Kentucky is pulling a stunt right out of Major League. Every game they win, a hot bitch from a Lexington Radio Station takes off an article of clothing on a billboard. Go Cats! If IU wins this game, I will fucking kill someone. The day they start out 3-0...Hell will freeze over.

I have no fucking teeth - 27
I'm sick and fucking tired of an 8-10 record - 13

Brett says:

Please. Do I really have to comment on this game? Can I just skip the rest of the Indiana games the rest of the year? They fucking suck. After winning a squeaker against Nicholls State, IU should have been banned from having a football on campus ever again. And the fact they're playing Kentucky makes it all the worse. They suck balls too. I think Northmor-Marion Catholic might have more talent in it than this game. Again, don't waste film at this game. Go tape the Queen of England taking a shit, it'd be more entertaining.

Kaaaaanetuckie - 26
I'll fuckin run ya till you can't eat supper - 17

Corey says:

Kentucky - 24
Indiana - 9

Illinois at (15) California

Kyle says:

The Illini are undefeated. Unfuckingbelievable. They are going to get drilled this week, though. Cal did lose their starting QB, but let’s face it, Illinois is not actually good. They almost lost to Rutgers for Christ’s sake. Berzerkely’s atmosphere will be too much for the Illinois team. I imagine there will be loads of dikes and fags in the crowd. Along with the usual Cal freak. I can’t wait ‘till Ohio State plays at Cal. The scenery is going to be great.

Berzerkely - 35
Illinois - 13

Brett says:

California doesn't impress me much, but neither does Illinois. This team's a little different than San Jose State and Rutgers. Wish I had more to say about this game but who really gives a rat's ass, it won't be close anyways.

Hippies - 38
Chiefs - 20

Corey says:

Cal - 35
Illinois - 10

Northern Iowa at (22) Iowa

Kyle says:

I told everyone all summer, Iowa State is going to beat Iowa. I was told how stupid I was. Well, you can all get on your knees and suck my dick now. Thank you. Now, to the “game.” Poor Northern Iowa. First off, it is Northern Iowa. I am not sure anything even exists in Northern Iowa. It might be the most desolate spot in the country. Secondly, they come to Iowa City the week after Iowa gets beat by the Cyclones. This will be a huge rout. Good thing Iowa scheduled this game. Now, they will know what it is like to win against an in-state school. If I am Kirk Ferentz, I don’t play Drew Tate in this game. As long as Kurt Warner isn’t playing for the Golden Panthers, Herkie and the rest of the Hawks will have no problem disposing of UNI.

Iowa - 56
Northern Iowa - 8

Brett says:

Meh, boring game. Iowa will be pissed after getting their asses handed to them. Northern Iowa is undefeated, beating Drake and Minnesota-Duluth. These teams have football programs? I would expect these schools to have a naked lawnmowing team before I would a football team. NIU will have a bit of a different test this week.

Cornfield U - 49
Northern Cornfield - 17

Corey says:

Iowa - 51
Northern Iowa - 7

Central Michigan at Penn State

Kyle says:

Penn State is actually good this year. They will beat the hell out of the Chippewas. Thank God Joe Pa’s catheter didn’t come out last week. I still think he will probably die at some point in the season this year. Probably late in the season. I think he’ll get a nasty case of pneumonia. Too bad, really. I like Joe Pa. Back to the game. Ass whoopin’.

Nittany Pussies - 38
Central Mishagain - 13

Brett says:

Joe Pa is looking to lead his boys to a 3-0 record, something it seems Joe hasn't done since the Grant Administration. Central Michigan lost to Indiana earlier this year so the real question in this game isn't who's going to win, but who has to keep track of Joe Pa's medication this week. And hopefully Joe doesn't trip any refs with his walker this week, that was straight up bush league.

Signed the Declaration of Independence - 29
Directional Michigan - 13

Corey says:

Penn State - 30
Central Michigan - 14

San Diego State at (9) Ohio State

Kyle says:

Ohio Stadium is going to be dead coming off the Texas lost. I imagine the team will still be a little let down, too. Luckily, San Diego State is fucking awful. Troy Smith will be starting at QB. I see this being a blowout, but, at the same time, not being a really impressive performance. The Aztecs will do nothing against the Buckeye D. I am just looking forward to seeing the Action News Team’s post game report. AJ Hawk will be making huge plays all day. Champ Kind will be shouting WHAMMY! all night long.

OSU - 28
Whale’s Vagina - 6

Brett says:


I heard that traffic just cleared out a half an hour ago from last Saturday. Ron Burgundy and the boys come into Columbus hoping to one day, become a network anchor. Problem is, they'll be facing a team that is a tad pissed from the last game. Diego has come in and gave the Bucks fits in the past but I have a feeling they don't know what they're getting themselves into this year. OSU will win this one big, and leave the Aztecs in a glass case of emotion.

We are killer nuts - 37
Panda Watch - 10

Corey says:

Ohio State - 40
San Diego State - 10

Michigan State at (10) Notre Dame

Kyle says:

There will be a fantastic atmosphere in South Bend this weekend. ND is 2-0 and if you have payed any attention to the national media, by God, they are going to be fucking national champions. News Flash: You will win no more than 8 games, but please beat USC. Anyways, I think Michigan State could pull off the upset. After two games it looks like the Spartans are pretty decent this year. Then again they pull this shit every year. I’d be surprised if they came out of South Bend undefeated. I’m just hoping to see Chris Wilkinson guzzling down a 40 on NBC during the game. That would make my life complete.

Catholics - 27
Coke Heads - 17

Brett says:

Remember how I said I didn't know if the New England Patriots could come into Ohio State and win at night? Well if you asked the media they would think the Irish would make the Pats forfeit after a quarter. Honestly could the media hype up this team a little more. O wait that's every year even if the Irish win some suck ass game against BYU or something. I'll give the Irish credit, they've done what they had to do to win, but they didn't really look too impressive last week, if Michigan wasn't too busy scratching their scabies, ND would have lost. As for this week, MSU hasn't
looked too bad so far but they also have faced two teams that would have a hard time beating a YMCA flag football team. The Irish win this week, and the polls declare them national champions with the rest of the games for the year cancelled.

We're leaving the NCAA and we're going to the Super Bowl - 27
Sparty likes men - 21

Corey says:

Notre Dame - 28
Michigan State - 21

Eastern Michigan at (14) Michigan

Kyle says:

The Battle of Washtenaw County. It is only a 13 mile drive for the Eagles of Eastern Michigan Eagles. Could they shock the country and win this game? Fuck no. Michigan is not that great this year, but there is no way in hell they lose this game. Eastern Michigan has been the laughing stock of the state for many years now. I see that continuing this year. Mike Hart probably will not be playing, but it ain’t gonna matter. Michigan runs right over EMU.

Fuck Michigan - 38
Emus are sweet animals - 13

Brett says:

Eastern Michigan travels just down the road to Ann Arbor to get an ass kicking. Northern Illinois must have spread their fumbleitis over to the Wolverweasels as they couldn't hang on to the ball last week against the Irish. It had to have been pretty depressing in Ann Arbor, until the players went over to massive red light district and each got their weekly dose of the clap. Good times. Michigan by a lot.

Whores - 43
Directional Michigan - 16

Corey says:

Michigan - 45
Eastern Michigan - 7

Standings

Corey 8-3
Brett 7-4
Kyle 7-4

(2)Texas at (4) Ohio State

Kyle says:

This is the game everyone in the nation is waiting for. Number 2 vs. Number 4. The Rose Bowl on the line. It is going to be a lot of fun. I plan on being drunk the entire day. Nothing like a little underage consumption. Ohio State’s LB and defense will contain Vince Young’s running. He will have less than 60 yards rushing. Therefore, if Texas is to win the game they will have to rely on Young’s arm. Ain’t gonna happen. I think the Bucks will dominate from the get go. Justin Zwick will play the first few series at QB and then look for Troy Smith to take over from there on out. I just hope Jenna Bush is at Hiney Gate after the game.

Ohio State - 31
slUT - 13

Brett says:

The big one. This one's been hyped up for 6 years, there's been a buzz in the air since last Saturday. Both teams will obviously be very prepared for this one but could any team really come into Ohio Stadium at night on national television? Could the New England Patriots? I really don't think so. AJ Hawk might be hyped enough to rip an appendange off someone.

Don't Mess With Ohio - 30
Mess With Us - 13

Corey says:

This is gonna be one hell of a game that will come down to playmakers... Although Texas does have one of the best playmakers in the nation in Vince Young, Ohio State has them all over the field with Teddy Heisman, Seth Holmes, Troy Smiff, AJ Hawk, etc. Texas also has an incredible offensive line, but the buckeyes D is just too strong to be held back (not saying they will completely shut them down though). I am going to enjoy watching AJ Hawk Kill mother fuckers all night long en route to a big win for the buckeyes. You gotta expect Young to make some big plays against you, but I don't think he will be enough to beat the bucks in a night game at the shoe.

Ohio State - 34
Texas - 24

Nicholls State at Indiana

Kyle says:

Wow! This game just leaves me searching for words. First of all, the game might not take place because Nicholls State is in Louisiana and might not be able to travel. (I know. Everyone knows that NSU is located in Thibodaux, LA) Anyways, it’s not like anyone would know if they didn’t play. Seriously, who the fuck cares about this game? I sure as hell don’t.

Ndanneuh - 28
Thomas Jefferson is on this coin only its spelled differently and with an 's' - 6

Brett says:

Are you kidding me? They actually have to waste good footballs to play this game? The real question here is not who's going to win the game, but will they reach triple digits in attendance? Please don't waste camera film at this game, I'd rather film polar bear porn than this shit fest.

I'm Fuckin Tired of Losin to Purdue - 33
Nickels - (-3)

Corey says:

Who cares, I'd rather watch fly's fuck.

Hoosiers- 9
Nicholls state- 2

Northern Illinois at Northwestern

Kyle says:

Northern Illinois is going to be the home team in this game. DeKalb, where the NIU is located, is only about 30 minutes from Evanston. They had a shot at beating Michigan last week and will beat a Big Ten foe this week. Northwestern sucks.

NIU - 31
Mildcats - 28

Brett says:

If Northern Illinois cleans the fuckin butter off their hands from last week, they have a great shot at winning this game. I haven't seen such bad ball handling since watching 7th grade girls basketball. Northwestern=shitty football.

Directional Illinois - 27
Evanston High - 21

Corey says:

Northern Illinois showed a lot of potential last week against Michigan. Now they get the cream of the crop in the Big 10.... I look for an increase on the Stick 'Em budget for NIU and a victory in Evanston. Also, Northwesterns colors are still purple, which has plagued them for years

NIU - 24
Nortwestern - 21

Hawaii at Michigan State

Kyle says:

The Islanders got shalacked by USC last week. It isn’t going to be much better this week. I don’t think Hawaii has ever won a game on the main land, seriously. Flying about 12 hours is not going to help there cause. Michigan State looked impressive against Kent State last week. I think they might be in for a half decent season. They are, however, the most schizo team year in and year out in college football. Look for that to continue this season. They may be undefeated in the Big Ten coming to Columbus.

Fartin’ Spartans - 45
Hawaieeee - 17

Brett says:

Finally Hawaii played a good team at home and showed their true WAC colors. Without Timmy "1,267 intereceptions" Chang at QB, the Warriors have about as much punch as Mrs. May in a fight. Michigan State will be pretty stellar this year, as long as they don't allow their QB to turn into Tyrone Biggums.

We Smoke Rocks - 47
We Love Rainbows - 24

Corey says:

Hawaii looked preeeettty bad last week, so its hard to say they will compete with a pretty decent Spartan team. Part of me wants to say this will be a game, but I don't think it will be. I'm sure Hawaii's 34 fans will be pushing them on all game, but it won't be enough.

MSU - 38
Hawaii - 27

(8) Iowa at Iowa State

Kyle says:

This game is going to be a slug fest. Whenever these two teams play you can throw out the records. It doesn’t matter that both these teams are undefeated....throw those 1-0 record out the window. The Cyclones have a very young football team. They should have won the Big XII North last year. I am not saying that is some great achievement. I mean, River Valley could do that for Christ’s sake. But, nonetheless, I think another year of experience is going to help ISU this season. Iowa, as everyone knows, is the real deal. They won 56-0 last week against Ball State. Ball State is the worst team in the MAC, and they had 13 players suspended. (However they fuck that happens.) Anyways, hanging 56 on a team is not an easy task. This game will go down to the wire and is my upset of the week. Also, I heard Trev Alberts got a new job...he will be suited up as Herkey Hawkeye.

John Cooper’s Alma Mater - 27
Trev Alberts’ Gets Off Talking About Us - 21

Brett says:

The game all the analysts forgot about back in 2002. Iowa loses to fucking Iowa State at home but yet they could beat the National Champions? I think they showed how good they were against USC. Is Brad Banks even alive? Maybe he's cleaning up shit somewhere in Des Moines. Anyways, Iowa State will have a better season than people think, but they won't be able to get past the Iowa linebackers (2nd best in the nation). Will the corpse of the guy that Brent Rowland killed back in 2000 make it to this game?

Cornfield U. - 33
Cornfield State U. - 17

Corey says:

Gotta love the early season rivalry games, anything can happen. I would say this is gonna be a pretty good game. Iowa received some inspiration this week when Herky Hawkeye's feeding tube was removed, and he appears to be finally recovering after getting hit by a banana in the head... by a girl. That motivation will lift the Hawkeyes to a win over in-state rival Iowa State, but I see this one coming down to the wire

Iowa - 21
Iowa State - 18

San Jose State at Illinois

Kyle says:

Another great game. This one won’t be quite as good as that thriller in Bloomington, though. Ron Zook’s debut was a helluva showing last week. A thrilling come from behind victory over highly touted Rutgers. Yes, the State University of New Jersey. The Fighting Illini were down 27-10 and came back. Amazing, I know. Honestly, I don’t have a clue about either of these teams. I just know they both suck and researching them is not worth my time. I’d rather spend it looking up a history of John Holmes pornographic films.

Cherokees - 23
San Hozay - 17

Brett says:

Illinois might have been banished from the conference last week if they would have lost by 20 to Rutgers at home. I can sort of understand MSU losing to Rutgers in New Jersey but at home? You might as well join the Sun Belt. Can't go against the home state, Illinois almost matches their win total from last year with this win.

Brett is the best thing to come from our state - 41
Hello Bottom Ten - 24

Corey says:

Illinois sucks... So does San Jose State. That makes for quite a dilemma when picking this game. Come on though.... I'm not gonna pick SJSU to beat a big ten team (if u wanna call them that).

Illinois - 28
SJSU - 7

Colorado State at Minnesota

Kyle says:

These two teams are very good lower level teams. Sounds odd, I know. It is true, though. I hate Minnesota and Glen Mason. For that very reason I am picking them to lose. I think this is actually the toughest non-conference game the Goldies have ever played under Coach Mason. The Rams lost a heartbreaker to arch-rvial Colorado last week. Too bad. They are going to be pissed.

Mountain Oysters - 35
Minnesota - 28

Brett says:

What you mean Minnesota didn't schedule Bemidji State this year? Wow Glen must have finally decided, hey I'm undefeated after 5 weeks and everyone thinks we're great, then we get our asses handed to us the rest of the year, maybe we shouldn't schedule Slippery Rock every year. Won't matter though, Minnesota will be same old story this year. They'll manage to squeeze this one out though.

Land O Lakes - 31
Ram Balls are Huge - 27

Corey says:

That can't be right? Minnesota scheduled a decent non-conference opponent? This is a big game for them, cuz they will find out early if they actually do suck like usual, or if they have a team that can win a few games in the conference. I think they are up for the task, and I actually think they will have a little more success this year in the Big 11.

Minnesota - 31
Colorado State - 17

Akron at (13) Purdue


Kyle says:

This is Purdue’s opener. Not that it matters or anything. Purdue is going to be good this year. 7th year junior Brandon Kirsch is now leading the offense. I am sure Akron will suck since they did even when they had Charlie Frye. This game will be a real yawner.

Hail, Hail to Olde Purdue;
All Hail to our Olde Golde and Black.

Sea Bass’ beverage of choice - 48
Kangaroos - 13

Brett says:

Purdue unleashes hell on the Zippy Chippys and completes the sweep against the shit MAC.

Pete Sucks - 43
The MAC Sucks - 7

Corey says:

The atmosphere will be intense for this heated rivalry, and I think that Arkon might score in the game against a pretty good Purdue D. But I'm not gonna bet on it. Boiler Up!

Purdue - 49
Akron - Zip

Temple at Wisconsin

Kyle says:

Uhh ohh! This brings me to the BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK! This game really gets me psyched. I imagine I’ll be glued to the TV. Wisconsin is coming off a very impressive win against the pesky Bowling Green Falcons. The Badgers new RB Brian Calhoun will have a hay day against the Owls. Kind of amazing not seeing Anthony Davis in a Badger uniform. It seems like he has been there since the Truman Administration.

Wesconsin - 74
John Chaney Kills Mother Fuckers - 8

Brett says:

B-B-B-B-ITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK: Temple has about the hardest schedule in the country, they might lose by an average of 5 touchdowns this year. Bush might call in the National Guard to stop their season in October.

Spaniards - 52
Bill Cosby Pudding Pops - 10

Corey says:

This brings me to my upset pick of the week. Temple WILL shock the world... and collect 175 yards of total offense. After a hell of a performance in week 1, Brian Calhoun should extend his comfortable rushing lead in the nation with another 250+ yard performance. Then again, I heard Terry Schiavo ran for 145 against them in an offseason scrimmage last winter, so it could be even uglier.

Wisconsin - 55
Temple of Shit - 7

Cincinnati at Penn State

Kyle says:

The Bearcats invade Happy Valley this weekend. This game will be a good one. Probably low scoring, but close nonetheless. Rumor has it Joe Pa will be shooting a new Depends commercial at half time. Anyways, Penn State’s Freshman WR Derrick Williams looks like he is going to be the real deal. I doubt the Bearcats have the athletes to stop him, they may have criminals to do it, but not athletes.

The Pennsylvania State University - 17
Cincinasty - 13

Brett says:

I'm not too sure about the Penn State resurgence yet, they didn't exactly blow South Florida out of the water. Cincinnati seems like they suck this year. I'm sure Joe Pa will direct the boys to victory in this one. That's only if his catheter doesn't come out during the game and spray piss everywhere. Always fun times.

Our coach is as old as Tom Main - 26
Ghettoville - 13

Corey says:

I have no clue, but the score will be.....

PSU - 24
UC - 10

(20)Notre Dame at (3) Michigan

Kyle says:

Well, the Fighting Irish invade the red light district this week. All of a sudden, this game is huge. ND is coming fresh off a win that saw them bitch slap the Pitt Pussies 42-21. Michigan beat Northern Illinois. Once again, the UM defense looks atrocious. Jim Herrman may not make it through the season. The Michigan faithful are growing very restless with his defense. They will beat ND though. ND is a joke. Of course, the national media has to act like they are some fucking spectacle. They won a football game. Woopy shit. Personally, I am hoping for a ND-Kansas match up in a bowl. Could you imagine Mangino and Charlie Weiss in the same stadium. Damn! Both of them sport D cups.

Ann Arbor is a whore - 31
Fish Eaters - 21

Brett says:

A game that looks a lot different than it did before last week. You ask me this game before the season, I say Michigan by 20. Week 1 comes by, Notre Dame offense looks spectacular, Michigan defense looks like Northmor. I really don't think Notre Dame can win this game but I wouldn't rule the upset out.

Shit University - 34
Shit University #2 - 28

Corey says:

You know what I'm gonna pick here? ND is my #2 team, Michigan can burn in Hell. ND looked real good last week against Pit (they didnt deserve the second T.) I think this should be a pretty exciting game, but my score is coming purely from bias.

ND - 27
Fags - 24

Conference Predictions

Kyle says:

1. Ohio State
2. Iowa
3. Michigan
4. Purdue
5. Penn State
6. Wisconsin
7. Minnesota
8. Michigan State
9. Northwestern
10. Indiana
11. Illinois

Brett says:

Another season is upon us and the Big Ten has already started to show the
rest of the country just how strong a league they are this year. Going 10-0
last week, the conference has a tougher test this week with the top two
teams being involved in the two biggest games of the week. Of course I'm
talking about Nicholls State-Indiana and San Jose State-Illinois.

1. Ohio State
2. Iowa
3. Michigan
4. Purdue
5. Wisconsin
6. Michigan State
7. Penn State
8. Minnesota
9. Illinois
10. Northwestern
11. Indiana

Corey says:

1. THE Ohio State University
2. Meeeechigan
3. Purdue
4. Iowa
5. Minnesota
6. Wisconsin
7. Michigan State
8. Penn State
9. Northwestern
10. Indiana
11. Illinois